Have you ever noticed that inner voice guiding your responses during conflicts? That voice not only shapes how you perceive yourself and your experiences but also plays a role in steering your emotions. These little troublemakers, aptly termed “conflict gremlins,” reside in our minds and often nudge us towards feelings of discontent.
These gremlins seem designed to hinder constructive conflict resolution, pushing us either towards aggressive confrontation or passive avoidance. Rarely do they advocate for collaboration. Learning to maintain clarity and manage these internal influences is crucial for fostering healthier interactions and achieving more productive outcomes when resolving conflicts. In this excerpt from The Joy of Conflict Resolution, author Gary Harper goes over some key tools for managing anger and frustration—and avoiding avoidance—during conflict.
From Chapter 8: Beware the Conflict Gremlins
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting, too …— Rudyard Kipling
At our best, in conflict we remain calm and focused. We size up the situation and choose an appropriate approach, tool, or strategy. At our worst, we react impulsively and say giddy-up to our mouths before our minds are hitched up. This impulsive reaction is not surprising; as we have seen, our survival instinct is for fight or flight, both of which put us squarely back on the drama triangle as hero or victim. Even though we may have many communication skills at our disposal, old coping habits die hard and often trigger immediate defensive responses.
Strategies to manage our own anger
Susan Scott, in her excellent book Fierce Conversations, says, “All conversations are with ourselves, and some may involve other people.” Rather than worrying about and judging the other person in conflict, we can apply that energy more productively to understanding and managing our own reactions. This chapter provides insights and strategies to help us remain productive during conflict. The foundation for change is awareness: of our triggers, our breathing, our body, our feelings, and our thoughts.
Know Your Triggers
We can begin this process of awareness by identifying our triggers. Why do certain people, mannerisms, or behaviors trigger us (but don’t necessarily trigger other people)? When and with whom are these behaviors most likely to trigger us? Knowing ourselves and our triggers allows us to develop a preventive maintenance program that can serve us when conflict surfaces.
Part of our maintenance program can involve reducing the size of our “hot buttons” and making them more difficult for others to push. Police officers, frontline government employees, and computer helpline operators normally develop thick skins and effective coping mechanisms because abuse, unfortunately, comes with their chosen vocations. They cannot avoid angry people and therefore must find ways to depersonalize verbal attacks and defuse and manage abusive situations. For those who fail to do so, the resultant stress and their own ineffectiveness usually have them looking for a new career.
Remember to Breathe
As trite as this sounds, in conflict we often forget to breathe. As we feel attacked, we become tense and tend to either hold our breath or take short, shallow breaths. We become rigid, our energy blocked. If we can train ourselves to take a couple of deep breaths in response to conflict, we accomplish several things. First, we allow oxygen to circulate, some of which hopefully will arrive at our forebrain and awaken our communication and reasoning skills. Second, we begin to relax and allow energy to flow through us. This physical activity provides an alternative to the fight or flight response. And third, we buy ourselves some time and avoid counterproductive impulsive responses. With this choice comes a sense of power, even in an uncomfortable situation.
During a workshop with the staff of a high school, I asked participants about the benefits of breathing in the face of anger. The police liaison officer smiled and said, “As long as I’m breathing in, I’m not talking.” That alone is a good enough reason to train ourselves to breathe when feeling triggered.
Ground Yourself
The seemingly simple act of planting both feet on the ground and breathing deeply can empower us in times of stress and in the face of anger. As the traditional Eastern practices of meditation, tai chi, shiatsu, aikido, and yoga have grown in popularity in the West, we have become more aware of the energy in our bodies. These practices, in various ways, seek to ground us and focus our energy productively. Such training is invaluable in conflict.
Aikido refers to the hara, or power center; tai chi calls this the dantian. This energy reservoir provides a necessary sense of balance and inner security. Many people feel scattered and unbalanced in conflict and react accordingly. They either fall back (passively) or push forward (aggressively). They are unable to access a third alter- native — an assertive stance in which people hold their ground, set limits, and focus on the problem.
Thomas Crum’s book The Magic of Conflict uses aikido techniques to illustrate how to work with, rather than against, the energy of another person. Danaan Parry’s Warriors of the Heart also refers to aikido principles and provides an exercise to help us find our “power center” — an ability that serves us well in conflict.
